I’ve been listening to some talks by coach and mentor Rob Scott lately. While I am still trying to find the funds to enter his Core coaching program, something he talked about in a recent video and seminar he did for The Foundation really hit home.
Think of your most happiest memory, concentrate on it. After a few moments, how much would you consider to be imagination? Think hard. The answer? Close to 100%.
The past is past. The future is the future, and all we really have is the present. How we live in the present is our reality, anything else is imagination.
Sure there are helpful things such as anticipating the future, planning for events, etc. But every moment of the here and now is the most important part of your reality.
So who am I – now?
The answer is scary to post publicly. My present isn’t something I am proud of.
Weight and Health
Yesterday, despite losing close to 40 lbs last year, I hit my heaviest weight ever. I hate myself and my body and its current state. I have stretch marks on my stomach from years of going between heavy and “normal.” I currently have painful welts on my stomach from wearing a belt, so bad in fact that about once a week I need to wear a bandage in the area just to stop the metal from digging in.
This is not my ideal body. I remember in high school saying to one of my classmates: “If I ever get over 200 lbs, just kill me.” Had he followed through, I wouldn’t be here.
I look at my weight and know if only I could manage to finally lose it, to get back to “normal” – I would be happy and self-confident again. Everything else in life would fall into place.
That is imagination.
In reality, several things would indeed be better. But imagining those things will not bring me closer to that goal.
Mind and Spirit
I continue to want to over-achieve in things I care about. My job, my hobbies, the causes I care about. But I am continually wondering if these causes care as much about me as I do about them. I self-sabotage, getting angry at their demands of my time and energy and what I perceive as nothing in return.
If you are continually looking for something in return for your actions, be it Karma or otherwise, you will never find it and can only keep looking.
I try and do right be people, and it infuriates me when my perception is they have wronged me. Notice I say my perception.
A bottle of wine on Fridays has been a regular staple as of late. I was never a “drinker” in high school, college, or when I moved out to LA. But this past month – in times of intense stress, I looked forward to doing nothing and enjoyed the welcome calming of nerves.
That chapter is over, thank goodness, and while I may still have a social drink, I no longer consider the altering of reality using alcohol as an acceptable solution.
In order to face and enjoy reality, you have to feel it.
The Fallacy of Independence
I’ve always prided myself on being “independent.” When my father killed himself when I was 12, I had to step up and not only “not be trouble,” but also be extremely independent. The reward for being so was not only for me, but for my mom as well. Anything I did to make things difficult or a burden on her I saw as a failure. This independence followed me my whole life, including moving to LA, far away from the small town in Iowa I grew up.
It has had a substantial impact on my entire life. I see that now. “Not needing anybody” has resulted in only forming casual acquaintances and not many true “friends” who would invite me, or that I would invite, over. It has also, I believe, led to me not having a family of my own. Furthermore it has made me think I can handle “anything” that is thrown at me. Instead of asking for help, I dive to google, and look for the answer and try my best to accomplish the task.
Sometimes, though, you need help.
Calling someone a “coach” has always been difficult for me. When I was in high school, I coached Little League baseball, as well as basketball at the local university’s basketball camp. I was the the coach. When I went out for track my senior year, it was very weird calling someone else coach.
This disdain for the word led me to make fun of Life Coaches. These people couldn’t make a real career for themselves, how are they going to help me?
I think I’m about ready to give up this notion.
I need help. And that is what this blog is about. Here I will be open and honest with you about my progress and struggles. Free from the constraints of my “professional” blog, I hope this journey I am on will help others. You might here a lot of “woo-woo” and we might “go down the rabbit hole” a bit. But I think we’ll also have some fun.
I’m glad you’re here with me.